Estimated reading time: 10 minutes
In this article, I talk about conflict as “a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one”.
There are two kinds of people in life; those that love conflict and those that hate it. I’m in the ‘hate it’ camp, I believe it is the most unproductive way to resolve any disagreement. It’s always fueled by emotion, intertwined with roadblocks and involves no productive step towards resolution. And at the end, who wins? Whoever yelled the loudest.
So let’s take a look at the art of avoiding conflict, and resolving issues in a more productive way.
Why conflict is a waste of time
I work in an industry where there are constant disagreements. I remember getting into a one-sided argument with a person that was more focused on one thing I said, then he was on actually resolving the issue at hand. It was fueled by frustration and grew with every attempt to belittle the other. We eventually came to a conclusion but it was filled with angst and a whole lot of wasted time.
What did we gain from the above scenario?
- We resolved the issue and moved forward
And how did we lose?
- Unnecessary emotional distress
- Wasted time
The problem itself wasn’t a big issue, it became one because of all the emotion that got involved. A productive conversation based on facts and a clear plan to move forward would have landed us in the same place a lot faster, and all without the distress.
10 Steps to Navigate Conflict
Avoiding conflict does come with a bit of work, it’s not always easy to change the other persons way of dealing with things. But you can guide them, let’s take a look at how:
1. Start with Empathy
Begin conversations with an understanding mindset, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
You may not agree with them, and that’s ok. Can you at least see where they’re coming from? Do you understand why they feel this way? Is there a compromise that can give you both what you need?
Empathy is a very powerful tool, if the other person can see you are trying to understand their view (actually seeing, not just saying), then they’re more likely to try and see things from your side too. It opens the door to compromise and understanding, it also reduces the need for anyone to get defensive.
2. Active Listening
Truly hear what others are saying before formulating your response.
Conflict is really just people talking over each other as they try to get their points across. More often than not, we’re too busy trying to win, that we have no time to actually hear what’s being said. When the other person is talking, just listen and wait. Do they have a good point? Do you agree with what they’re saying? If not, why?
Let’s face it, active listening is not a strength that many of us possess. How many times are you in a conversation where you’re just waiting for the other person to stop talking, so you can start? But actively listening to a person reminds them that their views are just as important as yours. If you actively listen, it will encourage them to do the same.
3. Choose your Battles
Not every disagreement needs a full-blown confrontation. Some battles are best left un-fought.
Some disagreements aren’t even worth your time and the fallout from them can be worse than the original point. The next time someone says something that you don’t agree with, question the entire scenario before you act. Does their view actually affect my life? Am I going to say something for myself or will it help them see things differently? Could they be right and I’m the one that’s wrong?
How many time have you fallen into a dispute only to realise some things are better left unsaid? We’re not always going to agree on things, and other people have views. We may not agree with what they think, but it doesn’t mean they need to agree with us. If it doesn’t affect us then why bother saying anything at all.
4. Clear Communication
Be crystal clear about your thoughts and feelings, reducing the chance of misunderstanding.
In the heat of the moment, we all say things that require a map to navigate. I honestly believe it’s because half the time, we don’t even know what we’re saying. What’s even worse, we have no idea what the other person is saying either! Take a breath and ask yourself before you speak, does this make sense? Is this what I feel? How I feel? Why?
How many conflicts have you been in purely because of misunderstanding? Even when trying to clarify, you muddle the situation further by just saying words. Clear Communication is the key to understanding where someone is coming from. It’s the key for someone to understand where you are coming from.
5. Humor as a diffuser
Sprinkle a bit of humor into intense situations – it’s a powerful antidote to defuse tension.
I’m really only half way there on this point and believe humour has its time and place. Although I agree humour can defuse a situation, sometimes it can make matters much worse. So I advise to tread cautiously with this one and feel the situation out. Ask yourself; will the other person feel as though I’m antagonising them? Has the situation gone too far for a joke? Will it actually help?
Humor is a great tool for life and it helps get us through a lot of unpleasant situations. But humour only works if it’s funny for everyone .. if they’re just not feeling it during a disagreement, don’t push it.
6. Time-Outs for Clarity
When emotions run high, take a breather. Stepping back provides clarity and prevents impulsive reactions.
Sometimes disputes can get so intense, there’s really no other option than to take a breather. Taking a step back will not resolve the conflict but it does give you and the other person a chance to clear your heads. Gain clarity around the situation and focus more on resolution as opposed to battle. When having a break ask yourself; What is the issue? My desired outcome? Steps that we can take together to resolve the issue?
Taking a break during arguments is something I do all of the time. Originally, it was to avoid the dispute. Now, I use it as a time-out, a chance to review the situation without all of the ugly emotion. It has allowed me to work through problems with a focus on resolution. The next time you’re pulled into a heated dispute, I implore you take a break and assess the situation.
7. Seek Common Ground
Find shared values or goals to connect on, creating a foundation for resolution.
Disagreements usually share a common goal but the problem occurs because of different perspectives. Understand the shared goal and work back from there. Push the conversation forward with understanding. Try laying out the different points and work together on strengths and weaknesses of each view/action. What steps can I take to achieve this common goal? Do we agree on anything? What don’t we agree on? Why?
We all have similarities, we just need to be open to them. Just because we don’t agree on this one thing, doesn’t mean we won’t agree on anything. By finding these similarities, we’re opening the door to understanding and providing the opportunity for compromise.
8. Constructive Feedback
Frame criticisms or concerns as constructive feedback, fostering a growth mindset.
There is a difference between criticism and constructive feedback. Criticism is negative, it hurts feelings and shuts the other person down. Constructive feedback provides an opportunity for growth and reflection. Before you decide to provide feedback to the other person, have a quick check and ask yourself; Would this comment cause me pain? Will this help them understand or cause them to shut down?
We all love constructive feedback, it helps us grow. But who likes criticism? No-one. The only purpose it serves it to shame someone, it doesn’t provide an opportunity to grow. It just reminds us of what we do wrong.
9. Healthy Boundaries
Clearly define and communicate your boundaries, ensuring mutual respect in all interactions.
Regardless of how heated any dispute gets, no-one has a right to disrespect you or your boundaries. Make it very clear what you will not tolerate and end the conversation if that line is crossed. What’s equally important, ensure you are also sticking to the rule and respecting the other persons boundaries. If things get to that point, take a break. Review the situation and make the decision on whether it’s worth continuing. If it is, check in with yourself; How do we proceed without disrespect? Do I need to apologise for any wrongdoings? Do they need to?
Healthy boundaries are an important thing in every aspect of your life. You don’t have to tolerate something that you’re not comfortable with and you should also be aware of what makes others uncomfortable. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
10. Reflect and Learn
After conflicts, reflect on what happened, learn from it, and use those lessons to grow stronger in future interactions.
Although conflicts are massive time wasters, they provide great lessons to help us grow. We all make mistakes, it’s a part of life. The important questions to ask after yourself afterwards is; What did I learn from this? How can I do it better next time? What roadblocks did I come across, and how can I overcome them next time?
Reflection is a crucial step in our personal growth journeys, if we don’t reflect then we can’t learn from past mistakes. If we can’t learn from the past, then we certainly can’t grow. Take the time to properly reflect on past conflicts, find the strengths and weaknesses within your approach and adopt processes to help you move forward.
And finally
Let’s embrace the art of avoiding conflict, turning disputes into opportunities for personal growth and understanding. Remember, conflict is like a thief stealing time and joy, leaving behind unnecessary emotional distress and wasted moments.
By choosing empathy, practicing active listening, and carefully selecting battles, we pave the way for smoother interactions. Clear communication acts as a guiding light, reducing the chance of misunderstandings that often fuel conflicts.
Humor, when used wisely, becomes a powerful diffuser, transforming tense situations into moments of shared laughter. Taking timeouts during emotional highs provides clarity, steering us away from impulsive reactions towards thoughtful resolution.
Seeking common ground and offering constructive feedback lay the foundation for mutual understanding and growth. Establishing healthy boundaries ensures respect, and reflecting on conflicts becomes a roadmap to personal development.
So, as you navigate the intricate dance of conflict, remember the steps we’ve explored. With each move, you’re not just avoiding conflict – you’re orchestrating a symphony of understanding and growth. Step confidently into a conflict-free future, where every interaction is an opportunity for positive transformation.
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How to Avoid Conflict: A Guide for the Non-Fighters
In this article, I talk about conflict as “a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one”. There are two kinds of people in life; those that love conflict and those that hate it. I’m in the ‘hate it’ camp, I believe it is the most unproductive way to resolve any disagreement. It’s always fueled…
Estimated reading time: 10 minutes