How to Navigate Guilt as a Working Mother

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

It’s Wednesday morning, and you’re nailing life – lunches made, kids dressed, and you’re geared up for a productive workday with a whopping 10 minutes to spare! Yet, there’s an unsettling feeling; it was a bit too smooth, and the kids are unusually quiet. Still, you take the victory where you can, right? As you head out, that nagging sensation persists, almost as if you sensed trouble before it happened – then, it happens, the triumphant return of last night’s dinner cascading down your driveway! Courtesy of one upset kid. You know the drill: clean, cuddle, and make that dreaded call. The eye rolls and judgment weigh heavy, you know what your boss is thinking. Overwhelming guilt creeps in – am I a bad employee? An even worse mother? Let’s delve deeper into guilt as a working mother and discover why neither of those labels holds true, shall we?

My kids, now 12 and 16, occasionally engage in hormonal squabbles over socks or give me the classic “he’s looking at me funny”, as if that’s a reasonable excuse for hiding the other one’s headphones. Life has eased up; they can manage themselves now. Yet, when they were younger, juggling motherhood and a full-time job felt like navigating a daily marathon of exhaustion and self-doubt.

There are many stress-filled moments that still linger in my mind and one in particular haunts me – the time after welcoming my youngest son into the world. Just as I started a new job, I discovered I was pregnant, setting off a challenging decision: return to work after 12 weeks or quit, and find a new job in a years time when he’s a bit older.

I went with the first option and that decision came with an intense feeling of guilt.

Understanding Guilt as a Working Mother

Let’s take a closer look at the concept of guilt as a working mother. It’s this overwhelming feeling of remorse for perceived wrongdoings, whether internally driven by our own judgments or externally fueled by how others perceive our choices.

When we’re raising our kids we are forced to make decisions that in a perfect world, we wouldn’t have to make. But here’s the thing, the world is not perfect and our decisions are based on what we think is best at the time. If we’re acting with good intentions, making the best of a not-so-great situation and ensuring our children are being looked after, then is there really any reason to feel guilt? The decision to send my youngest son to daycare at 11 weeks old can me into a whirlwind of shame if I let it, but he thinks nothing of it. Why? Because he can’t even remember it, he was still looked after by people that cared about him and he’s ok.

So why do we feel guilt? Because it is our feeling of remorse for a perceived guilt and our thought that we need to be punished for it.

Breaking down working mother guilt myths

There are many guilt traps that we fall into – we’re neglecting our kids, we should be better and we’re terrible mothers. The truth is though, they’re just not true. Let’s take a look at some of them:

Myth: “Being a working mother means neglecting your child”

Challenging the myth:

• Being a working mother is a fact of life for most of us, it doesn’t mean you’re neglecting your child. It means you’re doing what you need to, you may miss things, but that’s the beauty of involving other people in their life.
• I missed a lot of the important “firsts” as the kids were growing up. This was mainly because those things always happened at daycare. I always felt guilty for not being there but the kids didn’t care – They were cheered on by the teachers, photos were taken and stories were written. If I’m being honest, their teachers did a way better job than I would have anyway.
• The funny thing is, children don’t need their parents to be there all of the time, and who actually wants their parents around 24/7 anyway? Other people are quite capable of providing different perspectives and enriching experiences for your children. I love my boys but you certainly won’t find them covered in paint and rolling over a massive sheet of paper under my care – just thinking about the mess sends me into a spiral.
• The important thing to remember here is all time is not created equal. If you can’t always be there then ensure the time you spend with your children is quality time. Live in the moment when they’re around and enjoy them. Don’t worry about the housework – it can be done later. Work can be done when you’re actually at work. It will help ease that working mother guilt you feel.

Myth: “You should be everything to everyone”

Challenging the myth:

• You don’t need to be everything to everyone, it’s overwhelming to try and impossible to accomplish.
• Cleaner, cook, caregiver, counsellor, cheerleader, employee … the list is endless, and the expectations on a working mother are high. Should you expect perfection? No. Should you be expected to do it all? Certainly not. The fact that you even try is enough.
• You’re showing up and that my friend, is an amazing thing itself – Be proud of what you’ve accomplished and know that you don’t have to do it all.

Myth: “Guilt means you’re a bad mother”

Challenging the myth:

• Guilt doesn’t mean you’re a bad mother, it means you unnecessarily punish yourself.
• We went through a stage where my oldest son broke a bone every year for 3 years, on the 4th year it switched and my youngest broke his first bone! Showing up to the doctors every year with a new broken bone certainly filled me with guilt and shame. Am I bad mother? What am I doing wrong? Why can I not protect them?
• It’s important to understand that things happen, you can teach your children how to keep themselves safe but occasionally they will make mistakes – it’s a part of life. Learning to overcome the guilt is what you need to do. Do you know what I did? I stopped blaming myself when they hurt themselves, I taught myself how to help them heal instead. I became a master of first aid, even receiving praise from the doctors about how well I bandaged the kids up after their falls. First-aider ✔️
• Guilt doesn’t define you or your parenting abilities. You can’t always stop bad things from happening but you can be there to help after – And that is the thing your kids will remember.

The importance of self-compassion

Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during challenging times. Here are some ways to cultivate self-compassion:

1. Positive Self-Talk: Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Encourage and support yourself as you would a friend facing a similar situation.
2. Mindfulness Meditation: Engage in mindfulness practices to stay present and non-judgmental. Focus on your breath and observe thoughts without attaching judgment.
3. Self-Care Rituals: Prioritize self-care activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it’s reading a book, taking a bath, or going for a walk.
4. Acknowledge Imperfections: Embrace your imperfections and boost your confidence by understanding that everyone makes mistakes. Learn from them rather than dwelling on self-blame.
5. Set Realistic Expectations: Avoid setting overly high expectations. Be realistic about what you can achieve, and celebrate small victories along the way.
6. Practice Gratitude: Acknowledge and appreciate the positive aspects of your life. Gratitude can shift your focus away from self-criticism.
7. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a support network when needed. Sharing your feelings and experiences can provide comfort and perspective.
8. Forgive Yourself: Understand that making mistakes is a part of being human. Forgive yourself for past errors and allow yourself to move forward.
9. Self-Compassionate Journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings in a compassionate and understanding way. Treat your journal as a safe space for self-reflection.
10. Take Breaks: When facing challenges, give yourself permission to take breaks and reset. Stepping back can help you gain clarity and perspective.

Remember, self-compassion is an ongoing practice, and it involves being patient and kind to yourself throughout life’s journey – Be your own best friend.

Building a support system

You’re not a failure for needing support, we all need support. Let’s take a quick look at the different options available to help with working mother guilt:

Personal Support System:

• Family and Friends – There is more to your children’s life than just you. Create a strong network of family and friends who support your role as a working mother. Call on them when you need help.
• Spousal Support – A problem shared is a problem halved. Share responsibilities with your other half, let them support you when you need it and have fun together.
• Parenting Communities – Connect with others who share similar experiences. Share stories and gain perspective, these communities can provide understanding and practical advice to help with guilt as a working mother.
• Childcare Assistance – Reliable and trustworthy childcare contributes greatly to your peace of mind and eases the sense of guilt, it allows you to focus on work while knowing that your children are well cared for.

Professional Support System:

• Understanding Employers – You spend 40 hours a week here, it’s important to work for someone that understands and supports you. Seek out employment that includes flexible work hours, remote working options and supportive policies.
• Work-life balance Initiatives – Take advantage of any initiatives or programs in your workplace that promote a healthy work-life balance. This could include wellness programs, employee assistance programs, or initiatives that support mental health

Life can sometimes feel challenging but the truth is, it’s not. We make it hard by beating ourselves up for not being there, for not sharing in the small things when they happen, for not being everything to everyone. But the truth of the matter is, we’re there when we need to be, we share when we can and we shouldn’t have to be everything to everyone.

By building up our support system, we’re ensuring our kids are getting the best of us and everyone else around them. They’re experiencing things that we can’t give them and we’re ensuring we’re around to hear all about it later. We’re being the best we can be, it’s not perfect but nothing is.

So let’s support each other in this journey whilst also remembering to support ourselves. Let’s drown ourselves in positive affirmations, practice mindfulness, while also reminding others that they’re doing a great job. Work on embracing the joy of being a working mother, all without the burden of working mother guilt. How about we share our stories, kind words and lend an ear to those who need it.

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